Coffee Bean Tuesday Poetry Read

I love coffee bean. I stopped by tonight after leaving my mom's house. I noticed they were having their weekly poetry reading. Its starts with an hour long open mic...I really want to read something I've written there but I'm a tad intimidated by the crowd. As I wait for my coffee and fight the urge to sneak a peek at the open mic I see the most beautiful man I've ever seen in person. I understand the word beautiful isn't a word commonly used to describe a man but well, to me he was walking perfection. I have to admit I'm blinded by a few things. I don't think the type of man that catches my attention is ever seen as attractive by conventional standards. To me, apart from intellect, a bearded man is the sexiest thing. Once I see a beard I melt, my cheeks go flush, heart races, and I flee. I'm okay with the fact that I turned and ran. I hope I can see him again. He was averaged height, I'd guess about 5'7, medium to slim build, and he had light brown hair and a full, trimmed beard. He was dressed in khakis, I think, a collared shirt and a pullover sweater. Honestly, he looked as if he walked out of a Ralph Lauren Polo ad. Strangely enough, I kinda want to just sit and admire him from afar. I know that's sounds crazy but often the fantasy beats the reality. I know if I see him again I won't say hi, but at least it'll make me smile.

possibility

I went to my mom's house today. I've avoided seeing her recently because I can't handle her stresses being put on me...my mom hugged me...sincerely...my mom told me she was proud of me...I don't know how to process that.

She called me a fighter. I've always been a fighter, I'll always be a fighter, because I have no choice. I don't know how to take that because its not good, its not bad, its just my reality. I have to fight, I have to fight for everything, and that's just how it is...I don't have anyone to fight my battles for me, I don't have anyone to take care of me. I have me and that has to be enough.

February 1st will mark the three year anniversary of the date I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. Fuck MS!

I was watching daytime television and caught a show with Shemar Moore. He was there with his mother. She also has MS.  He called his mom his super hero and multiple sclerosis her kryptonite. I like that. I've known that I'm a super hero for a while. I fight, endure and survive. MS is my kryptonite.

I'm starting to have faith in people again, faith that not everyone is going to let me down, faith that people are good at heart, faith that people will see me as more than my disease. I've only recently allowed myself the luxury of being seen as more than my disease.

The possibilities are endless. I'm taking baby steps to the top.

That's a beautiful concept, possibility. Allow it in your life and things light up.

Finding your Santa

As a kid I was a skeptic, like most.  One Christmas stands out in my memory.  I don't know how old I was, I don't remember what grade I was in, and I couldn't tell you much of what happened that year.  What I do remember is that this was the year I stopped believing in Santa.  Kids at school listed the reasons why Santa didn't exist.  The few that stand out were ones like, "The to, from sticker is written in your parents handwriting, " "If you open gifts on Christmas Eve your Santa gifts are still there, " and "The wrapping paper is exactly the same as all the other gifts."  I listed all these reasons to my mom and she answered with a simple, "Oh really mi'ja."  

That year we opened all of our gifts at midnight on Christmas Eve.  All our gifts had either a green or red wrapping paper.  My mom likes traditional Christmas colors.  We didn't have any gifts from Santa under the tree.  I was disappointed but my mom told me to check under the tree the next morning.  I went to sleep and woke up around 7 am.  I searched and searched under the tree and nothing.  I wanted to cry but instead I prance into my mom's room with an "I told you there's no Santa!  There aren't any gifts under the tree!"  My mom answered quietly, still half asleep, and said, "Did you check everywhere, are you sure?"  

I went to check under the tree one last time.  Next to the window, under the tree was one lonely present.   This gift was wrapped in Mickey and Minnie wrapping paper, the tag said To: Rosie From: Santa, and was written in my mother's handwriting.  I don't recall what it was, I don't remember anything I received that year for Christmas, I do remember that inner glow, restored faith, and glee... Santa remembered me.  And for that year I believed in Santa, I had my Santa.  

happy anniversary

Seven years ago today I met a group of people that would change my life forever...  If you had asked me at the time if I thought I'd ever be friends with these people, I might have laughed.  I feel so blessed to still have them in my life.  Its such a wonderous feeling to know that I can count on all of them if I ever need them and they in turn can count on me.  I love you all.  

The Home Depot(NF)

I was walking into wal*mart today.  As I passed the garden center the smell of fertilizer, freshly water plants and humidity in the air reminded me of my days working at The Home Depot.

I always enjoyed summers the most while working as a cashier.  The garden center would fill with people eager to get started on sprucing up their lawns and various gardening projects.  The Vegas heat was brutal but it was a fun environment with happy customers and the open air. 

Working as a cashier in the garden center provided the most freedom.  We’d self administer our breaks and lunches.  The outside lot attendants would often hide behind the swamp cooler to escape from the sun.  Cute guys to chat with were an added bonus. 

 There was a watering hose that we used to water the plants on display in the front of the store.  Once I saw a lot attendant turn the hose upside down and spray himself under the falling water.  All too tempted by the idea of a cold shower in the hot, hot sun; I waited until he left and did the same thing.  The falling streams of cold water were such a temporary relief from the heat. 

Seemed like a good idea at the time but ended with me fully clothed, wet and sticky for most of my shift.   The answer to this dilemma, well get wetter of course!   It eventually became routine.  The lot attendants and I would take turns soaking each other while playing with the outside garden hose. 

After one of our many soaking sessions we’d duck behind the air of the swap cooler to feel the breeze on our wet clothes.  But sadly our summers had to eventually come to an end and we’d go back to business as usual. 

My usual job was working returns on the close shift.  While it didn’t allow me to have much of a personal life aside from my days off; I rather enjoyed the people I got to work around. 

To date, my store manager from my time at The Home Depot was the sexiest manager I’ve had the pleasure of working for.  At the end of my shift I’d have to take defective material to the receiving department as part of my closing tasks.  He was always willing to help and I was able to enjoy a few private moments with him.  At 19 a simple hello from him would make me blush.   I recall once after closing he walked me back to my department as we talked.  I hung on his every word not paying attention to where I was walking.  I was headed straight for two windows on large carts; by the path I was taking I might have barely grazed them.  Suddenly my manager grabs my hip with his left hand and pulls me close to him.  I can feel the length of his fingers grabbing my side, his breath on my cheek and his palm so close to my bottom.  I was so taken aback by this I don’t realize my head is resting on his chest.  He says quietly, “You have to be careful with those, the edges are sharp, I didn’t want you to cut yourself.”    A few moments later we reach my department. “I’ll get those windows out of your way,” he adds with a smile.  Then he releases me.  

Fair-old poetry(F)

Webster’s dictionary told me fair means

Free from favor; just; what is right and proper

And I said, “I knew it!”

So now I have my case

See my mommy’s a lawyer

So I’ve heard that a million times over

So it’s now my turn

To take my teacher to trial

I’ll build my case

It’s time to get started

I’ll interview the boy with the smelly shoes

And I’ll surely win this trial

With a few more witnesses

I started to gather some questions

Cuz tomorrow I was gonna interrogate the teacher

My mommy walked by to say good night

Instead she looked like she wanted to fight

And asked what the hell are you doing

I said I am going to take my teacher to trial

And I file suit in the morning

Why on earth would you do such a thing asked my mommy

I said mommy it’s not fair

Mommy she doesn’t care

She gave me lunch detention

 And why did she do that

Cuz Anne Marie didn’t believe me

When I said my frog Joey died

So

I took his body

And put it in her cubby

And at the end of the day when she went to put on her jacket

Oh no, you didn’t

Didn’t what mommy anyways

She found a little surprise in her pocket

Mommy she is such a wuss

She screamed so loud

And then the teacher started to frown

Cuz she knew that I was to blame

And then I got in trouble

Well,

No mommy you don’t understand

Anne Marie called me a liar!

It’s not fair I can’t go to recess after lunch anymore

So now my teacher’s going to trial

Honey I think I’ll tell you a story to help you understand

Sweetie do you remember what happened to grandma

Sure she’s dead

They laid her on a fire bed

And now she sits on the mantel

Mommy started to cry

And said good night

And when she woke up the next morning

She said listen here

I would try to explain

But you’ll understand when you’re older

You will drop your trial

And go on to school as normal

But mommy then I am letting an injustice go unpunished

And it’s just not fair

If you continue with this trial

You will march up to your room with a smile

And be grounded for 2 months and a week

Fine I guess I have no choice

But just to let you know

You are committing a serious crime against justice

And I really should go tell the police

Would you like to be grounded for 3 months and 2 weeks

No mommy I’m sorry

So you see the moral of my story is

Fair means justice for grown-ups

So you need to be real sneaky

When filing suit you see

 Cuz now I am bringing trial against mommy

But I gotta clean my room first

Night, night kitty I’ll hide you in the bathtub

Tomorrow we’ll have another surprise for Anne Marie

With the mouse you caught for dinner

Do you believe in MonSters?

do you believe in MonSters
have you seen one before
do you know what they look like
do you know where they live
do you know where they hide

I believe in MonSters
I've seen one before
I know what they look like
I know where they hide

but we're not talking about me here
I want to know about you

did you know a MonSter haunts me every day
he's always there, always around
sometimes I forget he's mine to carry

my MonSter hides inside me
he sneaks about and waits for the right time to pounce
my MonSter trips me at times
I've seen him sit on my hands, legs and feet until they fall asleep
he even hugs me so hard it hurts

sometimes I wonder
am I stronger than my MonSter
can I outsmart him someday
will I ever win our little game
or will he always be one step ahead
leaving me two steps behind

I haven't seen my MonSter in months
and that worries me
because I know he's not gone
I know he hasn't left me
so I'm just waiting for him to attack
with all his hate and vengence

I can't forget about my MonSter
or he might get the best of me