I had dinner with some “friends” on Tuesday. I love them dearly but in conversation they
decided to tell me about myself. I wasn't offended but it did help me come to a few realizations.
I have a
bubble in certain environments that I like to keep intact; it makes me feel
safe. I told them about how
uncomfortable I felt when my neighbor’s friend hit on me as I left my
apartment. I was locking my door, my
safe place, my room of my own. He passes
behind me and turns to face me as I turn the key to lock up. I didn't want talk about what he said; I
wanted to talk about how I felt. “That
was creepy.” I said. “I suppose in a
different setting I might entertain the idea or attempt to hold a conversation.
But, but I was just trying to leave to the store and outside my door, to my
apartment, my home… That made me feel unsafe.
It’s weird ya know?” They
laughed. “No we don’t know. Listen to her, most girls would smile and say
‘hey’ if that happened and she calls the guy creepy.” My friend said. I stayed silent.
I tried to
tell them about a play I was reading for class.
We were going to discuss Beckett on Wednesday and I was very
excited. Theater is my heart and always
will be. In therapy my counselor told me
that it’s better to share exciting news with those that have the capacity to
understand it. Sometimes a great day can
shift if you share with the wrong person.
I think that’s why I’m sharing with you.
My class discussion on Endgame was
a little lackluster. I was disappointed. At least I didn't have to listen to
Sparknotes spout off his bullet point list.
He told some outside of class that it wasn't necessary to read any of
the material and he used Sparknotes to save time. That’s depressing.
Our
conversation shifted. They started
talking about setting me up on a blind date.
I said nothing. It was a little
strange to hear them defend their stand on the topic when I hadn't stated an
opinion. It kind of felt like the point
when you’re about to say something and people cut you off. They continue their one sided conversation
answering unasked questions. I didn't know how to tell them that they were way off base. I said nothing. They were talking at me as if I had an answer
or an excuse for all they had to say. I
said nothing. “And before you say
anything, we’re not trying to be mean, but you’re kind of a know-it-all.” Said one friend. The other added, “Yeah you are.” I smiled and nodded.
I audited a
theater class on Wednesday morning. It
was lovely to sit and watch. My old
teacher was very sweet and inviting. I
asked two of her students to read through a scene I’d been working on. It was interesting to watch. She told me that I was more than welcome to
bring any of the material I’d written and have them perform it if I liked. At the end of class she asked if I could write
a monologue for her class to perform in a flag.
I’m not sure if that’s an actual theater term. A flag monologue, from my understanding, is
the same monologue performed by different actors, one right after the other. I said yes.
The idea of someone bringing my words to life astounds me. I was a little intimidated but mostly
excited.
Later in my
English class we had our brief discussion on Beckett. I said something and began with “I think…” My inner voice was screaming, why did you say ‘I think’ when you know?!?!?! Half my class turned back and looked at
me with an audible gasp. You are
kind of a know-it-all sometimes. I
didn’t take notes because they were useless to me. It seemed like a horrible oversimplification
of the awesomeness that is Samuel Beckett.
Last
semester in my theater class we performed a monologue called “The Brilliant
Speech” in a flag. I’m not sure of the
writer. I woke up this morning with pieces
of it echoing in my head and I started crying.
Don’t you think we slow ourselves down for other people? Haven’t you ever thought that? What if we
never slowed ourselves, never stopped ourselves, allowed resistance? Could you imagine the light, the velocity we
might… I want to be brilliant at at least one thing. Don’t you want that too? Don’t you think you could be? I want to be amazing…(The Brilliant Speech)
I’ve wasted years slowing myself down for others. I said I
think when I knew. I really like me
right now. I feel like a shitty person
because I’m going to separate myself from these “friends” for a while. I enjoy the company of the new people I’ve
met this semester. It’s fascinating what
happens when you open yourself up to the world around you. You’ll meet resistance from some but be
welcomed openly by so many others.
I don’t
know you that well. We say hello,
goodbye and make small talk on occasion but I find you very impressive. I genuinely hope you never slow yourself,
stop yourself. Don’t allow
resistance. You are brilliant. I’m pretty sure you know that but just in
case. You are amazing.
