Wednesday, March 20, 2013

i want to be a real girl

On Monday evening I went to my cousin's house to raid her closet.  I was going to go to a career fair and wanted to borrow something to wear.  I was knee deep in her closet rifling through all the blouses and I stumbled upon two dresses.  I don't wear dresses.  I used to wear skirts but haven't in years.  Sadly it all connects back to my mother.  Why I punish myself as a symbolic "your opinion doesn't matter" is beyond me?  I've created this shell of a character I show to the world.  People are exposed to pieces of me and I hide the most trivial things.  

I tried on both dresses. And I loved them.  I knew my cousin would never let me borrow them and perhaps that's why I felt comfortable trying them on.  Sure enough, I asked, and she said no.  I took a random blouse and thought about the dress for the next day or so.  I went to the store the next day and browsed skirts and blouses.  I was drawn to the dresses and stared in awe.  The saleslady talked me into trying it on.  I put on the dress and admired myself in the mirror.  I was about to take a picture of myself as the saleslady knocked on the dressing room door to check on me.  I was brought back to reality.  I changed back into my clothes and exited the dressing room.  I really wanted to buy it but I don't think I'd feel comfortable wearing it.  I've dressed in jeans, leggings, and capri's for so long that I'm not sure I'd be comfortable with how dramatically different I'd look.  

I walked to my car and felt a small sense of loss.  I got in the car, took a few deep breaths, and began crying.  I've been incredibly immature for so long that I'm not sure I know how to not be.  I spoke with a friend about this.  Why do I let my mother's comments affect me so deeply?  Why does her opinion matter?  Its very sad.  My mother is so miserable almost all the time.  She puts on a facade of wealth and family; someone to be envied.  She values the opinions of others over everything else.  I need to let go.  I want to wear a dress.  And I want to not let my mother's opinion on the topic affect me.