Saturday, September 8, 2012

A letter to "Dad"


Dear Dad,
I don't know if we'll ever speak again. The main reason that bothers me is because I know you'll lie about why we're no longer in touch. I know deep down that you have mental health issues but since you don't deal with them that's no longer an excuse for me.
 
I remember at 5 years old when you told me that the day would come when I would have to choose between you and my mother. You said the choice would be mine and mine alone but if I chose my mother you'd kill yourself. Your moods have always frightened me. I knew then at that age if you committed suicide it would be my fault. You always told me how much you loved me and said my mother loved me also but "in her own way." Showing me as a child that your love was real love.
 
I remember at 15 you physically picking me up and throwing me out of the house. We lived on a 2nd floor apartment. I barely had the reaction time to prevent myself from falling down the stairs. Outside barefoot, alone, and stubborn. I walked nearly 2 miles before you found me. The cut of the rocks on my bare feet as I walked on the gravel. You kicked me out 2 more times before I finally decided to leave on my own and you resented me for that? It’s always been a battle of wills between you and me. I have a stronger will to live and that's why we don't talk. I'm cutting out and lessening contact will all unhealthy relationships in my life. So that's why I've cut you out. I've done this before but I'm stronger now. I can't wait til the day I remove your last name and cut the last tie I have with you.
Lastly I remember when I got sick and you blamed my illness on me. I refuse to cry. I want to no longer care for you. I could go on and write a book about the traumatic experiences you made me endure... and I probably will someday. Showing the world how damaged I am is terrifying but I know I'm strong having made it to my age and still alive is beyond miraculous.
 

I will live long and find my happiness somewhere. And you won't be a part of it for my well being.
 

I wish you all the best in your future endeavors,
 

love me