unokay

I'm not okay. I haven't been for weeks now. I need to find a way to get to okay on my own. I was at such a blissful place before the move. I don't know if I can reach that. I'm meeting resistance at every turn. I need. I need. I need. I'm scared to be alone with my own thoughts. I never imagined that the hardest part of not having a car would be being so distant from my loved ones. I hate feeling that visiting/seeing me has become a chore. Dear Peter, You said you're no longer a dishrag. Can I be more than a dishrag too. I want to be more than three-thirds. Love. Me.

just me,,,

i find it difficult to believe that i'll reach a place where it will be acceptable to be just me.  i see the [me] of always peeking out at the most unexpected times.  i've heard that there is this [somewhere] where being [me] is not only tolerated/accepted but it is encouraged.  i'm not sure this [elsewhere] actually exists but it is a nice thought.

[ceci n'est pas un sentier] black mountain [re-visited]

Last semester I decided to follow a dream...literally.
In my dream I recall asking [which way to black mountain]  so I decided to go find this place called [black mountain].  I'm not entirely sure how far I made it but I went alone.  And I had fun.
I told myself that I'd make it back, someday.  I decided I'd try again on 8/17...random date I pulled out of nowhere.

Lucky girl

Two of my friends decided they'd come with me.  I'm without transportation as of late<<<story for another day.  We made it to a different side of [black mountain] and started walking.  Not going to lie.  It was really really difficult!  I walk everywhere but I couldn't acclimate to the elevation.  Super awesome friends.  They were really patient with me up and down the mountain.  We played pool that evening.  It's still so new to me, but I feel loved.  Confusing concept, I know!  But it's true...

done...

I'm tired of planning for what could, would, might someday happen...

I hate getting my hopes up for a "better day".
Things always stay the same because I let them.
I'm not going to continue waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I'm going to try living life like the shoe is dropping before my eyes and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it.

Done and done.

Less than Human

Less than Human

“It’s impolite to falsify hope.” –Kellie Cooke

So then why do I do it to myself?

Confused that the real “you.”

            Is so different from the “you”

I believed to be true. 

            Are you no more than a simile?

Like an honest lie…

I hate feeling alone in a crowd.

People fail —once, twice and again—

I can’t not quit.

            But I can stop trying. 

Should I stop trying?

So many “you’s”

New you’s

            Disillusion me

Why can’t I keep

            the old you’s

that embrace me?  

I’m used to fallacies

            In “families.”

Exposed.

Naïve.

Maybe I should put the mask back on

            And pretend to be a person

I’m too often treated

            As

                                    Less than Human

dilemma

I don't know if I should continue to sit on some of the poems I have or post them on here.  My creative writing teacher told me that I can't submit my poems that I publish on my blog to online literary journals.  I do have a few I want to submit come fall.  I'm looking forward to my first rejection letter.  We all start somewhere right.

I have too many projects.  I started riding the bus again, and it sucks.  I'm contemplating starting a new blog chronicling my life, without a car.  I've already had a creepy stranger ask me if I need a ride.  I said no, duh!  Stranger danger 101!  I jaywalked for the first time in years.  Vegas really isn't pedestrian friendly.  I had 4 people ask me for the time, all completely un-phased by the invisible force-field created by my headphones.

I do need to figure out how to do with less.  I started carrying my backpack with me everywhere.  I have too much stuff.  Maybe my kindle will payoff but I still don't see how an e-reader can do poetry justice.  But I digress... we'll have that conversation later.  

everything in life is transient...

Today's been a rough day.  I've been in therapy for a while.  This summer was a transitional period.  I was going to remain with the same therapist and follow her to the new location where she'd be practicing.  At least that was the intent.  I have no health insurance and it seems that "alternative" methods of mental health care are next to impossible to get.  I was placed on a closed waiting list since I'd be transitioning to the same therapist.

I got a phone call today to schedule.  I was a bit surprised since my therapist stated she'd be available early September.  When I asked when her earliest availability was... well... I was told, "Your therapist has chosen to take a different career path but we can still see you here."  I started to cry.  And kept crying, then I cried some more.  I was making real progress...

Today sucks.