i'm kind of an amazing writer...

I got some of my grades today.  I had to write a final paper for my literature class.  I had zero interest in even attempting to write or explore the topic.  After I realized it was worth almost one-third of my grade...well I had no choice.  I told myself, "Don't stress, just write a C quality paper."  I felt very un-confident[by the way, I create my own words constantly but adding 'un-' before them ;) ] in my paper but I had a strong, albeit unique, thesis statement.  Anywho, I got an A!  Yayy me.  300/300 points to be precise.

it's May 2nd (a life lesson in a poem?!)

**I had a dream a few nights ago about different people (guys) trying to come through my door.  Some of them knocked, one came through (I'm not sure how) and I had to pull and push him out of the door.  I stood guard the entire time.  I told a friend about the dream and read her this poem after.  Her words of wisdom...

              "you can guard the door all you want.  there are many ways to penetrate a fortress.  someone already made there way in once, obviously there's a crack somewhere.  if one came in before, others will find there way in."  

I'm not entirely sure how that sits with me but here's my poem.  

it’s May 2nd

I have no idea where I am

people are talking

my eyes burn

            from crying over you

you did nothing for me to cry over

somehow I let you in

my door’s locked

I lay salt for bad spirits

I light candles to pray

I burn sage to cleanse

palm crosses

            guard               my door

 you walked inside

…

and made yourself                              at home

creeper: gotta move

I stand on the stoop of the stairs of my apartment a few times a day to smoke a cigarette.  It's right outside my door and I'm not one for smoking indoors.  Something about exhaling streams of smoke that helps remind you; you're alive; it'll be fine.
I have a creeper neighbor that lives in the building adjacent to mine.  I've seen him stand in the bushes in the morning when people are driving to school.  He just stands and watches.
Today as I leaned on the railing of my stairs he stared at me.  He walked to his apartment door and just stared... then he walked over to the power box, hidden behind the leaves of a tree, he stood and stared.  I looked at the floor to see what direction his sneakers were facing, he stood and stared.  Then he walked back to his apartment door, looked inside his apartment door, turned around, stood and stared at me again... then he turned around and walked inside.
I really need to move, or learn to smoke faster... It takes me about 7-8 minutes to enjoy a cigarette, 4 minutes if I'm in a rush.  I need to move.  This guy has always been creepy, but to have some random person stare at me, at night, across an empty courtyard is disturbing... Just a few more months and I'll be out of here.  In the meantime, I need to buy a taser.

mint chocolate :)

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lunch, pseudo-friend swap

I went to a strange head space Friday night and remained there through most of Saturday.  I put on a smile and kept my encounters to the socially acceptable.  It was rather easy to avoid the un-sayables [stole this non-word from one of my professors] since I wasn't around anyone I'd ever consider trusting or confiding in.  I met a friend for lunch, I'm super broke at the moment, but I felt bad for cancelling on her multiple times so I went.  I did inform her that I was in a bad place, not that I cared to discuss it, just that I wouldn't make for good company.  She was on the phone when I arrived, yelling at the on-again off-again non-boyfriend.  I went up for the obligatory, haven't seen you in ages, back pat that is supposed to resemble a hug.  She held her hand up, stopped me, and walked to the side to continue yelling at the non-boyfriend [I get that she's supposed to be my friend but I always feel really bad for him.]  We walked around as she sent what she called "really mean texts" to the non-boyfriend.  I hadn't seen her in months and we really had nothing to talk about.  She tried to interrogate me about my head space and I didn't care to talk about it, at least not with her.  I also felt bad that my world has been so all over the place and I didn't want to make the conversation all about my problems.  My problem, by the way, I'm my own worst enemy.  Not exactly an earth shattering revelation, but I'm learning to deal.  We sat, we ate, and she stared at me.  Puzzled I think.  I tried to explain because I felt it was the thing normal people would do.  I'm not sure if I didn't do a good job at explaining or she wasn't receiving the information I was sending out.  Her "advice" seemed well meaning but meant for someone else.  For those that "know me" like really "know me" it would have been almost laughable.  I tried to explain how I am and she kept stressing how unhealthy that is.  As we sat she'd put her hand on the table trying to stress the points she was trying to make.  I didn't get it and she definitely doesn't get me.  I'm unsure as to why we'd remained friends.  She did say, "I'm trying to help but you really don't want my help."  And she was completely right.  She lacked the capacity to help me because she doesn't know me.  She's a good person and always tries to go above and beyond for the people in her life, sometimes at the expense of her own personal needs.  We stood and left, walking the same way as strangers and said goodbye.

I walked into a store looking for a friend.  I didn't see her so I called her as I walked to my car.  She didn't answer.  I called another friend and it went straight to voicemail.  I ran into friend A as I passed a restaurant.  I told her I tried calling friend B.  And she informed me that they were both on the phone together so that's why neither could answer.  I walked around for a bit with friend A and she understood where I was coming from.  She gave me some great advice while holding back a bit.  If you think of life [or my world] as a puzzle, well friend A will never help me put it together.  She's a firm believer in assembling your own puzzle because it will be that much more rewarding in the end [I should probably tell my therapist about her.  That's how therapy functions for the most part, not to say that I'm calling her a free therapist.]  Her only advice, and I'm paraphrasing, was to retrace my steps to exactly where I was before I fell into the strange head space and I'd find my answers there.  I walked her back to her store and then walked to my car.  On the way I called friend B, very blunt and to the point, also a great listener.  I went into detail about my "issues."  She knows how to be honest, say something true, and most importantly get through to me.  Her answer was, "If you keep holding yourself back you can't aspire to be anything less that mediocre.  That's just how it is.  You're mediocre unless you start living."  It went on from there.  She convinced me to go to the "dress classy" party that a mutual friend was having.  As soon as I arrived we left to a bar and had girl talk.  We left the bar and went back to our cars.  I said goodbye and got real "I care about you" hugs.

Realizations
I often say that I don't have any real girl friends.  I'm a liar apparently.  I don't have any stupid girl friends.  There is a reason that I've latched onto these people for so long.  I have a select few special people that understand my world, where I come from and where I want to go in life.  They are aware of most of my issues before I ever have to verbalize them.  And they wait until I'm ready to verbalize my problems and tell me what I already knew but didn't care to face.

...

tears fall
and i feel nothing
am i dead inside
have i killed
the me-me
that i hide from every body
is she dead
gone
never to be seen again
i'm scared
the most painful
of pains
is preferred to emptiness
nothing

cried myself awake...

last night...
not sure how to process.
i'm on a brink
and terrified to make the leap.
i feel numb at the moment and its incredibly unsettling.
i swallowed tears all day today.
i regret not letting them fall.
i craved my old room
screams, yells
and the sound of the dryer
as i stared at pages
with lights on
and a fan blowing
can i escape in the wind blows
i want so desperately to give up
...
i wish i knew how
damn poetry
there's no bottom
i float in limbo
and need to keep falling
it physically pains me
i read a poem
and started to die
i need to feel something
but i've shut down...
let me come back.