dilemma

I don't know if I should continue to sit on some of the poems I have or post them on here.  My creative writing teacher told me that I can't submit my poems that I publish on my blog to online literary journals.  I do have a few I want to submit come fall.  I'm looking forward to my first rejection letter.  We all start somewhere right.

I have too many projects.  I started riding the bus again, and it sucks.  I'm contemplating starting a new blog chronicling my life, without a car.  I've already had a creepy stranger ask me if I need a ride.  I said no, duh!  Stranger danger 101!  I jaywalked for the first time in years.  Vegas really isn't pedestrian friendly.  I had 4 people ask me for the time, all completely un-phased by the invisible force-field created by my headphones.

I do need to figure out how to do with less.  I started carrying my backpack with me everywhere.  I have too much stuff.  Maybe my kindle will payoff but I still don't see how an e-reader can do poetry justice.  But I digress... we'll have that conversation later.  

everything in life is transient...

Today's been a rough day.  I've been in therapy for a while.  This summer was a transitional period.  I was going to remain with the same therapist and follow her to the new location where she'd be practicing.  At least that was the intent.  I have no health insurance and it seems that "alternative" methods of mental health care are next to impossible to get.  I was placed on a closed waiting list since I'd be transitioning to the same therapist.

I got a phone call today to schedule.  I was a bit surprised since my therapist stated she'd be available early September.  When I asked when her earliest availability was... well... I was told, "Your therapist has chosen to take a different career path but we can still see you here."  I started to cry.  And kept crying, then I cried some more.  I was making real progress...

Today sucks.

the climb

I hate breaking promises to myself.  I went to hike Black Mountain in January just before Spring semester started and I never made it to the top.  I told myself I'd go back again and make it to the top.  Not sure that'll happen.  I feel like a failure...at life.  I really need to get back there and try again.  My goal is to try to make the climb before my birthday which gives me about 6 weeks.  I have a few friends that I'm considering asking .  Hopefully something will come through for me to make it back there.  It means everything to me and maybe I'm putting too much pressure on myself to make it back there...but I have to.  I just do.

i'm kind of an amazing writer...

I got some of my grades today.  I had to write a final paper for my literature class.  I had zero interest in even attempting to write or explore the topic.  After I realized it was worth almost one-third of my grade...well I had no choice.  I told myself, "Don't stress, just write a C quality paper."  I felt very un-confident[by the way, I create my own words constantly but adding 'un-' before them ;) ] in my paper but I had a strong, albeit unique, thesis statement.  Anywho, I got an A!  Yayy me.  300/300 points to be precise.

it's May 2nd (a life lesson in a poem?!)

**I had a dream a few nights ago about different people (guys) trying to come through my door.  Some of them knocked, one came through (I'm not sure how) and I had to pull and push him out of the door.  I stood guard the entire time.  I told a friend about the dream and read her this poem after.  Her words of wisdom...

              "you can guard the door all you want.  there are many ways to penetrate a fortress.  someone already made there way in once, obviously there's a crack somewhere.  if one came in before, others will find there way in."  

I'm not entirely sure how that sits with me but here's my poem.  

it’s May 2nd

I have no idea where I am

people are talking

my eyes burn

            from crying over you

you did nothing for me to cry over

somehow I let you in

my door’s locked

I lay salt for bad spirits

I light candles to pray

I burn sage to cleanse

palm crosses

            guard               my door

 you walked inside

…

and made yourself                              at home

creeper: gotta move

I stand on the stoop of the stairs of my apartment a few times a day to smoke a cigarette.  It's right outside my door and I'm not one for smoking indoors.  Something about exhaling streams of smoke that helps remind you; you're alive; it'll be fine.
I have a creeper neighbor that lives in the building adjacent to mine.  I've seen him stand in the bushes in the morning when people are driving to school.  He just stands and watches.
Today as I leaned on the railing of my stairs he stared at me.  He walked to his apartment door and just stared... then he walked over to the power box, hidden behind the leaves of a tree, he stood and stared.  I looked at the floor to see what direction his sneakers were facing, he stood and stared.  Then he walked back to his apartment door, looked inside his apartment door, turned around, stood and stared at me again... then he turned around and walked inside.
I really need to move, or learn to smoke faster... It takes me about 7-8 minutes to enjoy a cigarette, 4 minutes if I'm in a rush.  I need to move.  This guy has always been creepy, but to have some random person stare at me, at night, across an empty courtyard is disturbing... Just a few more months and I'll be out of here.  In the meantime, I need to buy a taser.

mint chocolate :)

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