Less than Human

Less than Human

“It’s impolite to falsify hope.” –Kellie Cooke

So then why do I do it to myself?

Confused that the real “you.”

            Is so different from the “you”

I believed to be true. 

            Are you no more than a simile?

Like an honest lie…

I hate feeling alone in a crowd.

People fail —once, twice and again—

I can’t not quit.

            But I can stop trying. 

Should I stop trying?

So many “you’s”

New you’s

            Disillusion me

Why can’t I keep

            the old you’s

that embrace me?  

I’m used to fallacies

            In “families.”

Exposed.

Naïve.

Maybe I should put the mask back on

            And pretend to be a person

I’m too often treated

            As

                                    Less than Human

dilemma

I don't know if I should continue to sit on some of the poems I have or post them on here.  My creative writing teacher told me that I can't submit my poems that I publish on my blog to online literary journals.  I do have a few I want to submit come fall.  I'm looking forward to my first rejection letter.  We all start somewhere right.

I have too many projects.  I started riding the bus again, and it sucks.  I'm contemplating starting a new blog chronicling my life, without a car.  I've already had a creepy stranger ask me if I need a ride.  I said no, duh!  Stranger danger 101!  I jaywalked for the first time in years.  Vegas really isn't pedestrian friendly.  I had 4 people ask me for the time, all completely un-phased by the invisible force-field created by my headphones.

I do need to figure out how to do with less.  I started carrying my backpack with me everywhere.  I have too much stuff.  Maybe my kindle will payoff but I still don't see how an e-reader can do poetry justice.  But I digress... we'll have that conversation later.  

everything in life is transient...

Today's been a rough day.  I've been in therapy for a while.  This summer was a transitional period.  I was going to remain with the same therapist and follow her to the new location where she'd be practicing.  At least that was the intent.  I have no health insurance and it seems that "alternative" methods of mental health care are next to impossible to get.  I was placed on a closed waiting list since I'd be transitioning to the same therapist.

I got a phone call today to schedule.  I was a bit surprised since my therapist stated she'd be available early September.  When I asked when her earliest availability was... well... I was told, "Your therapist has chosen to take a different career path but we can still see you here."  I started to cry.  And kept crying, then I cried some more.  I was making real progress...

Today sucks.

the climb

I hate breaking promises to myself.  I went to hike Black Mountain in January just before Spring semester started and I never made it to the top.  I told myself I'd go back again and make it to the top.  Not sure that'll happen.  I feel like a failure...at life.  I really need to get back there and try again.  My goal is to try to make the climb before my birthday which gives me about 6 weeks.  I have a few friends that I'm considering asking .  Hopefully something will come through for me to make it back there.  It means everything to me and maybe I'm putting too much pressure on myself to make it back there...but I have to.  I just do.