i need friends

I read an essay today that I found super excited. I was told, repeatedly, that after I took Modern Grammar I'd never read anything the same again. I've found that to be the case. I'm doing work for an independent study. This semester has been super boring for the most part. This essay was the most exciting part and I have no one to share that with. Lame sauce. I'm going to write a read and response journal entry about this. It sucks to not have any friends that I have things in common with. Most of my friends like literature but don't care to talk about it. I thought about how I'd approach the essay if I were to teach it. Maybe I'll get to some day. I keep saying "this essay". If you're curious, dear reader, it's "Conversation in the Mountains" by Paul Celan. It's rather short. I find the different uses of personal pronouns to be super interesting. I'm uncomfortable with using pronouns in my poems because that makes them feel "too personal". I need to find friends that would find this equally interesting. I'm bored in my classes, bored at work, and bored in life. On a positive note, I haven't written that much lately and taken to painting. This essay will have me writing for a while. I've been told by several teachers that it's a good sign when something you read compels you to write. :D

fall away friends

It's enlightening, not having a car. My supervisor just tried riding the bus for a week to see how the less fortunate live. He's learned a lot. But once he gets home, he still has a car. He doesn't have to grocery shop and run errands on the bus. The one thing that he hasn't been exposed to is how lonely life can get without a car. Friends visit at the beginning but they slowly fall away little by little. It's heartbreaking but only so much can be done. After a friend cancels five or six times... well what can you do. Out of sight out of mind I guess. It sucks to feel like you're being taken forgranted. I've often bragged that i have amazing friendships and I'm not so sure anymore. Friendship is a two way street and I don't have a car. ..

unokay

I'm not okay. I haven't been for weeks now. I need to find a way to get to okay on my own. I was at such a blissful place before the move. I don't know if I can reach that. I'm meeting resistance at every turn. I need. I need. I need. I'm scared to be alone with my own thoughts. I never imagined that the hardest part of not having a car would be being so distant from my loved ones. I hate feeling that visiting/seeing me has become a chore. Dear Peter, You said you're no longer a dishrag. Can I be more than a dishrag too. I want to be more than three-thirds. Love. Me.

just me,,,

i find it difficult to believe that i'll reach a place where it will be acceptable to be just me.  i see the [me] of always peeking out at the most unexpected times.  i've heard that there is this [somewhere] where being [me] is not only tolerated/accepted but it is encouraged.  i'm not sure this [elsewhere] actually exists but it is a nice thought.

[ceci n'est pas un sentier] black mountain [re-visited]

Last semester I decided to follow a dream...literally.
In my dream I recall asking [which way to black mountain]  so I decided to go find this place called [black mountain].  I'm not entirely sure how far I made it but I went alone.  And I had fun.
I told myself that I'd make it back, someday.  I decided I'd try again on 8/17...random date I pulled out of nowhere.

Lucky girl

Two of my friends decided they'd come with me.  I'm without transportation as of late<<<story for another day.  We made it to a different side of [black mountain] and started walking.  Not going to lie.  It was really really difficult!  I walk everywhere but I couldn't acclimate to the elevation.  Super awesome friends.  They were really patient with me up and down the mountain.  We played pool that evening.  It's still so new to me, but I feel loved.  Confusing concept, I know!  But it's true...

done...

I'm tired of planning for what could, would, might someday happen...

I hate getting my hopes up for a "better day".
Things always stay the same because I let them.
I'm not going to continue waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I'm going to try living life like the shoe is dropping before my eyes and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it.

Done and done.

Less than Human

Less than Human

“It’s impolite to falsify hope.” –Kellie Cooke

So then why do I do it to myself?

Confused that the real “you.”

            Is so different from the “you”

I believed to be true. 

            Are you no more than a simile?

Like an honest lie…

I hate feeling alone in a crowd.

People fail —once, twice and again—

I can’t not quit.

            But I can stop trying. 

Should I stop trying?

So many “you’s”

New you’s

            Disillusion me

Why can’t I keep

            the old you’s

that embrace me?  

I’m used to fallacies

            In “families.”

Exposed.

Naïve.

Maybe I should put the mask back on

            And pretend to be a person

I’m too often treated

            As

                                    Less than Human